


One wild night

by La_perlas_mermaid



Category: Kung Fu Panda - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-06-10 15:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15294498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/La_perlas_mermaid/pseuds/La_perlas_mermaid
Summary: The furious five have decided to go out for a few drinks and have a good time, letting go of the harsh rules dictated by the kung-fu lifestyle. A crazy fic filled with absurd humor and lots of OOC.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s notes: Dear readers: I will ask you something that I usually don’t ask, please be patient with me on this one. This is the first story that I’ve ever done that tackles humor, and it’s a subject I’ve always been lousy at since my sense of humor sucks. I have the utmost respect for the genre since I always thought it was much harder to pull off than drama, but I’ve finally gathered enough courage to try it out. Constructive criticism will always be welcome just take into consideration that I’m way out of my depth on this subject. Also I don’t own anything so don’t sue.

  
-“Should we get real jobs?”- Mantis grumbled from their kitchen table, it was a comment he had already made once a few years ago, when bureaucracy had stopped them from doing proper kung-fu. But it was kinda different this time, back then there was real crime on the Valley of Peace they just couldn’t fight it, while now there was no actual need for them to fight anything anymore.

  
Ever since Po had mastered chi he had matured, sure he would always be the same clumsy and kinda dumb panda he was when he first entered the Jade Palace, but as his powers grow his need for the five to back him up is receding. Right now by example he’s on a mission with master Shifu overseeing a peace treaty between two rival tribes, leaving the five to guard the palace.

  
As for the civilians in the valley they are still being threatened by bandits and criminals, but now kung-fu isn’t a skill reserved only for the warrior elite, now everyone has at least some training of it too and even Mr, Ping has managed to master a lot of it. That means that more often than not people defend themselves without the need to contact the masters.

  
Which leaves the furious five with way too much time in their hands.

  
Sure they train and stay prepared for any upcoming attack, but as real conflict becomes more and more scarce they begin to feel useless.

  
The four warriors look up to Tigress for an answer, Po might be their master but she is the leader of the group.  
-“Maybe we should”- She answers calm and collected but doesn’t bother to hide the mild droop of her shoulders. Even in times of self doubt, when she saw Po become a warrior more skilled and powerful than she would ever be, she tasked herself with the duty of reigning in his chaotic nature and keep him as far from trouble as much as she could, more often than not her job had to be to clean up after his mess. But Po is finally growing up and soon he won’t need her assistance or control anymore.

  
A heavy silence envelopes them, if the obsessive tiger is ready to throw the towel then there is definitely time to move on. It has happened before and it will happen again, “the five” is a moniker for a group that has rearmed and disbanded several times over by now, in time of peace the warriors go their separate ways leaving one of them to guard the palace and await for the next generation.

  
-“Very well, I’ll go back to being a janitor”- Crane mumbled, his life as a master was exiting but he sometimes missed the simple life of his previous job, as humble as it might have been.  
-“And I’ll be back to the dancing school, dad says I’m a little rusty with my moves lately”- Viper giggled musically  
-“Oh I learned so many jokes and routines in these past few years! My comedy show will be a success!”- Monkey laughed while clapping exited, no one had the heart to tell him he was as awful as a comedian as the first time they met him.  
-“Same thing with me, I’ll go back to being a doctor”- Mantis said brightening his mood a little, it was the end of an era but the beginning of another, besides unlike Monkey his skills had improved with the use of kung-fu.  
-“And I will start a family”- Tigress said shocking everyone in the room, Crane put his wing on her forehead looking for signs of fever or a concussion, could she be actually joking?  
The only one not shocked out of her wits was Viper, who understood the tiger’s decision and explained the situation to the group with a single sentence –“I think Lei-lei really made an impact on you”-

  
“Ohhh” the male masters responded, Tigress had been really fond of the adorable baby in the panda village, which must have triggered her motherly instincts or something.  
-“Are you going to Japan then? Will you look for Yijiro?”- Crane asked carefully, he knew how much Tigress hated to answer personal questions.  
-“No, if I want to start a family then he’s the last one I could go to, he lives for the martial arts and a family will never be in his plans. I guess I’ll have to find someone else”- It was ironic actually; the reason she had fallen in love with him was now the reason she couldn’t choose him as a proper mate.

  
The four warriors looked at each other awkwardly, they knew she had as much chance of finding a husband as Monkey did of making a crowd laugh, she wasn’t ugly by any means just… what would be the word to describe her? Oh yes! Incredibly intimidating. In the end she could always adopt by her lone self and raise a child as a single mom, but something told them she wanted a more traditional family, maybe she wasn’t so immune to the need of finding a mate as she led them all to believe.

  
-“So I guess this is it, we will have to live normal lives now”- Tigress mused with apprehension breaking yet again the silence –“What do normal people do anyway?”- Unlike her fellow masters she had been raised in the palace her whole life, she never knew what “normal” people did or how they handled themselves, for the first time in almost two decades she felt like a fish out of water.  
Her comrades started blurting several suggestions: “Nap” “Have fun” “Party” “Laugh” “Relax for once in a while” “Date” “Dance” “Sing” with every word they sounded more animated, they had forgotten how many simple pleasures they had given up to become masters, but it was refreshing to know that soon they would get those back.  
-“Then maybe we should do all that, it will help us adjust better to the life we’ll lead outside of the palace”- She suggested with an apprehensive smile, she wasn’t used to that facial expression.  
All right something is definitely wrong with Tigress now, is she actually suggesting they should do something other than kung-fu?  
-“Do you mean like right now?”- Viper said raising her eyebrows, she was certain hell has frozen over many miles below their floor.  
-“Yes! Let’s have a nap, relax throughout the day and then go to a party tonight where we can dance, sing and have fun. We could meet with other people so we could have dates as well, I think that covers most of it”-  
-“Do you want to do all those things today?”- Crane asked flabbergasted  
-“Sure it will be more effective, how hard could it be?”-

  
The four remaining masters excused themselves and went to the next room to make a plan, they looked at each other uncertain of what to do next, Tigress had obviously lost some marbles and they should keep her in check, yet on the other hand it was kinda tempting to follow her orders and actually have a good time.  
-“Think about it guys, she really needs some experience on all this things and the sooner she gets it the better”- Viper said whispering behind her friend’s back  
-“I agree but what about the date thing? No guy without a death wish would ever come close to her”- Mantis whispered in a panic, he could see a thousand ways where this crazy idea could go wrong.  
-“I heard that”- She muttered menacingly, her superior hearing could easily work behind the walls of the building  
-“See!”- Monkey said pointing at her general direction from behind the wall, she had just proved Mantis’ point  
-“Oh I have an idea, but I’ll need your help”- For the first time Viper actually looked like the devious stereotype of her species. It wouldn’t take long to convince her colleagues, she might be nice and gentle but she sure could be viciously persuasive when she had to.

  
So they sent Tigress to take a nap and relax while the rest of the masters carried on with Viper’s plan. With the exception of Po the ophidian was the most romance inclined of the whole palace, she believed that everyone needs to find their other half in order to be truly happy, and now that Tigress had finally begun to consider dating she wouldn’t waste this rare chance to bring happiness to her uptight friend.

  
Two hours later Monkey and Mantis were doing their part of the mission, the simian was baking his signature almond cookies waiting for the insect to come with a “special ingredient” that would be paramount for their plan.  
He heard the chirping sound of Mantis’ little feet on the wood floor, he was carrying a vase bigger than him on his back.  
-“So you got it?”- Monkey said still kneading the dough.  
-“Yeah a big batch of catnip”- The insect grumbled while dragging the vase and aiming all its contents over the preparation.  
-“Remember Viper said to use only a smidge”- He said holding the vase and moving it away from the dough  
-“Dude a smidge would barely work on a cat and she’s like the size of ten cats or more!”- He retaliated while once again placing the vase where it was, they seemed to be playing a game of push and pull with the frail ceramic object.  
-“Yeah but she isn’t supposed to get high, she just has to loosen up”- Monkey tried to reason with the small master  
-“And how much do you think it would take for Tigress to loosen up?”- Mantis hollered in his deep loud voice.  
Huh, he was right about that one, oh well what’s the worst that could happen? -“Good point buddy just throw the whole batch in there”-  
……..  
Meanwhile a very uncomfortable tigress fidgeted in her room.  
-“Viper are you sure this is necessary?- Tigress said eyeing herself on the mirror, at her friends insistence she agreed to put on a dress, but since she had none on her wardrobe Crane offered to make one for her. Though what she was wearing could barely count as clothing at all, it was scented fabric draped over her with slits so deep she might as well go around naked. To make things worse the dress wouldn’t allow for her to use bandages on her torso, her breast were now free of their usual prison and seemed to perk up and swell, it was like they had a mind of their own and were struggling to call all the attention they could.  
-“You’ll catch more bees with honey than vinegar. And this is the right kind of honey, you look amazing”- Viper praised and then turned to Crane –“You are a wonderful designer”- This was the most fun she had in a long time, even when she wasn’t technically the only girl in the group she felt as she might have been, Tigress was as blunt and masculine as her male counterparts and for many years she felt a little suffocated by the excess of testosterone on the jade palace. She had waited so long to share a girly moment like this with an actual girl friend.  
The bird bowed at the compliment –“Yeah but this type of silk does most of the work anyway, I still need to do a few more finishing touches before it’s done, but the dress will be ready in less than an hour”-  
-“Maybe it should be tighter”- Viper suggested mischievously, tigers were extremely rare and along with her masculine personality and baggy clothing her friend was usually called “the big guy with stripes” something that irked the proud tiger, even when she managed to hide it, it was time to kill that harmful nickname once and for all.  
-“Are you crazy! I’m barely clothed as it is!” Tigress said clutching at her form feeling more self conscious as time went on  
-“She’s right Viper, this is pretty risqué already”- Crane said while still placing some pins on the back of the dress, revealing curvy hips that had been always hidden by her tight belt and baggy uniform.  
-“Oh nonsense! She has a nice figure it’s about time she starts to flaunt it a little”- The gleam of mischief in her eyes was unmistakable, when Viper wanted something nothing could ever stop her, and right now she was determined to get Tigress out of her shell. She knew how to play her friends strings, slithering close to the tiger’s feet she said gently –“its okay sweetie, this is very different for you but there’s nothing to be afraid of”-  
Maybe Viper didn’t know what trouble she was getting into, as a snake she was always naked so she paid very little attention to modesty.  
-“I’m not afraid!”- Tigress responded through her wounded pride, how Viper dare say she’s afraid of a piece of cloth. She looked resolutely at crane and commanded –“Make it tighter, if we’re gonna do this we better make it all the way”-

  
An hour later she came out of her room with Crane and Viper on her sides. At the rare sight Monkey and mantis couldn’t believe their eyes. The feline was wearing a tight form fitting deep purple dress with gold engravings in the shape of exotic flowers, the fabric smelled like gardenias and her fur was exposed through a very deep cleavage, as well as a large slit that started from her left hip exposing her toned legs.  
-“Well she doesn’t dress like a dude anymore”- Mantis said with a half smile, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to find her a date. She even seemed to have sprouted curves out of nowhere  
Monkey still remembered that her looks were never the problem, though her new appearance sure made things easier, it would be all for naught if she punched the first guy that dared to come close to her. So it was time for him to fulfill his part of the plan, he offered her a bunch of “special” cookies, usually she wasn’t interested in sweets but there was something really alluring about these pastries, she ended up gobbling up several of them before she even realized it.

  
“Well… it’s time to go out and have fun” the tiger mused with apprehension, how alien this idea felt on her head.

  
There was no particular party on the valley but there was a tavern on the skirts of the bamboo forest that played music long into the night, it would be a nice place to chat and mingle with other people.  
It was a new experience for them to enter a tavern as customers that wanted to have fun and not like government officials looking for criminals, as they found a large table to accommodate them Monkey suggested they had a drink. Tigress had been taught to avoid alcohol at all costs, she was told by Shifu it would distort her senses or reveal the worst part of her personality and that was unforgivable behavior for a true Master, but the day was coming when none of that would matter anymore. So she took the large jug of lotus wine in front of her and downed it in one gulp.

  
It took a few rounds for them to finally adjust but soon they were actually chilling and having fun, the friendly conversations the group had on in this place were the same than in their dining table but somehow alcohol lighted the mood, hell by the third round even Monkey’s jokes were begging to sound funny. More rounds came and went, by the middle of the fifth they were all talking loud and giggling a lot, sometimes they didn’t even know what they were laughing about to begin with.

  
The masters realized they could easily get used to this carefree lifestyle, Tigress in particular had never felt so giddy and happy in her whole life, even before she started drinking she could almost feel the weight of the world leaving her shoulders and her taut muscles finally snapping into a more natural state.  
Then their heads started to spin a little, the lotus wine was particularly strong and after several years of the strict kung fu lifestyle they had little to no practice in their tolerance to alcohol. They had enough wisdom left on their minds to not order any more rounds.  
Music begun to play on the tavern, the beat was faster and much different than the music they usually heard at large serious banquets or festivals. There was something unpolished in the way the musicians twined the strings of the violins and the lyrics of the songs were definitely inappropriate for playing in the jade palace. On any other day the dignified master would have scoffed at the mere beat her feet were now tapping on the dirty floor, but she wasn’t herself tonight and when a scruffy young leopard asked for a dance she said yes, wasting no time to swing at the sound of the exotic music.

  
-“Wow that was fast!”- Crane said looking at the felines swaying on the dance floor. –“We’ve been here for less than an hour and she already got herself a guy”-  
Mantis scoffed –“Ten gold coins say she’ll be punching that poor sap on the face by the end of the night”- Then he proceeded to ask a dance from an orange colored frog that was eyeing him from the other side of the tavern.  
Monkey remembered the amount of catnip the fed her that afternoon –“Well I bet twenty golden coins that she’ll make us all uncles by the next spring”- Now that both Mantis and Tigress had found dance partners he was surveying the area looking for a pretty lady that would do him company, a lovely sheep was eyeing him from the distance and battling her eyelashes, he drank his last mug and went on the prowl. Leaving Crane and Viper to chat by themselves.

Unaware of her partner’s gossiping Tigress was having fun with her company, the leopard was as tall as she was with strong defined muscles that he didn’t bother to hide with a shirt, so he was only wearing a pair of brown slacks. She didn’t even know his name but she couldn’t care less, he was attractive and a damn good dancer.  
It was all going well until he opened up his mouth, she ignored most of the platitudes he told her along with the overly direct compliments at her newfound curves, but then he said –“I’m gonna be rich baby, once I rob the Jade Palace I’ll be the most powerful warrior in China, you’ll see”- He said bending over her, aiming for a kiss, as if confessing his criminal activities were an actual pick up line.  
That’s when sobriety struck her drug addled mind like a brick –“Wait, what are you talking about?”- She said dodging his lips and placing her paws on his chest, pushing him away  
-“Me and my buddies are gonna raid the Jade palace now that the dragon warrior is gone, there are five more masters in there but we can handle them, there’s like three of us for every one of them”- He told her with a smile that made her cringe, then held her roughly by the waist with one hand and yelled at everyone in the tavern –“Drink up guys! By tomorrow morning we’re gonna be loaded with riches!”-  
In horror she saw at least fifteen more bandits raising their jugs on a toast and hollering a salute. Most of them were very large animals, brown bears, wolves, leopards and elks and she had no way to know how skilled in battle they were since she had never met them before, they did look strong and fit though. Sure if they were foolish enough to get drunk and party before a heist they couldn’t be that good, but the protectors of the palace had made the same mistake since they were just as intoxicated.  
-“I’m gonna treat you real good baby, you better start writing a wish list because when I rob that palace I’ll give you whatever you want. Gold, rubies, pearls you name it”- He said holding her uncomfortably close while his hands dared to lower from her waist to the sides of her hips.  
Tigress wanted nothing more than to punch the lights out of him in an instant but they were clearly outnumbered. She needed to get away from this jerk and find her friends, then figure out a way to stop these guys, the surprise factor would be paramount for their mission.  
Maybe it was the wine taking control on her, because the proud master would usually not lower herself to such denigrating tactics, but it was still undeniably effective. So with a sultry voice and a piercing glare she whispered into his ear, sending shivers of lust all over his skin. –“Oh I have a big wish list baby, and after you give me all I ask from you I’ll give anything you ask from me”-  
-“Anything?”- He said with a mischievous glare, it took a lot of willpower for her not to gag at the sight. Instead she continued playing the part of the sultry gold digger –“Anything, but only after you make your part of the deal, until then I’ll leave you alone to work on your heist”- And with that she left him paralyzed with desire with a dumb wishful expression on his face, taking the opportunity to leave his side as fast as possible.

  
How could she be so stupid? When you least expect it, expect it. That mantra was struck in her brain from her early childhood, that’s why you can’t let your guard down even when everything seemed to be at peace, yet now she had done exactly that, hell could she even fight in her current state?  
Well there’s no point in self loathing, she’ll have to find a way out of this and for that she’ll need to gather the rest of the five.  
She found Monkey twirling on the floor in a presentation of a fighting style she had never seen before, it was as chaotic as it was beautiful, he was clearly showing off trying to impress… an old goat? By the giddy excitement on the lady’s face it was totally working, oh well who was she to judge? She almost gives her first kiss to a criminal

  
She told Monkey of their predicament and ordered him to meet her outside of the tavern right away while she looked for the others, but they were nowhere to be found. Out of the sudden she saw one of Crane’s feathers on the ground close to the table they had occupied early on, then she saw more scattered a few feet away, following the trail she ended up facing the janitor’s closet. She could hear strange muffling noises from the other side of the door, afraid that the bandits might have already attacked him and locked him there she opened it wide open.

  
What she saw in there she would never forget no matter how hard she tried. Mercifully he was bent over with his back facing her so she couldn’t really see exactly what he was doing but she could clearly notice Viper curled around his whole body, based on the weird slurping noises they made she could tell they needed privacy. Turning red from embarrassment, when they turned around in horror to see her, all she could say was –“A group of bandits are planning to attack the Palace, meet us outside when you’re… eh… ready”- then she slowly locked the door and wished she could remove that confusing and disturbing image out of her head.

  
On the way out of the building Monkey found Mantis on a dark corner of the place, he was chatting with, and hugging, a large circular shape.  
-“Buddy, what are you doing?”- Monkey asked his friend while giggling at the absurdity of what he was seeing.  
-“Dude let me introduce you to the love of my life! Her name is Du Hua, and she’s the prettiest frog in the whole country”- He said snuggling with his new companion  
-“Mantis that’s not a frog, that’s a grapefruit”- The simian said laughing his tail off, geez how much did he have to drink?  
There were bandits behind him that were laughing as well, apparently they had been looking at the insects’ antics for a while now and seemed to be enjoying the crazy show. –“Poor fellow, he’s been flying on toad juice for an hour now. He can’t understand what he’s doing”- Said a large buffalo from behind him, Monkey guessed he was one of the bandits.  
-“What do you mean? What’s wrong with him?”-  
-“That lady he was smooching wasn’t a frog, it was a cane toad. Those have a toxic substance on their skin that causes hallucinations, he’s tripping his antlers off”- Another bandit responded while mocking the small master who was now trying to kiss the large fruit.  
Looking closely at his friend Monkey noticed his pupils had enlarged so much they had filled his irises, this wasn’t good. Tigress said this tavern was filled with bandits ready to attack the palace anytime soon and they were already one partner short, drugged as he was Mantis would be of no use.

  
A few minutes later the insect and the simian were outside hoping the fresh air would sober them up, but by the looks of it Mantis would need a whole week in Antarctica to cool down. A red faced Tigress joined them later on, he hoped whatever was wrong with her had nothing to do with the large amount of catnip they fed her, the last thing they needed right now was yet another master that was too high for combat.  
-“Where are Crane and Viper?”-  
-“They’ll be here soon”- The striped pattern on her cheeks went from copper to crimson, when it came to these matters she was still bashful.  
-“I can taste the color blue! It’s like lemons but more watery and it smells like grapes!”- Mantis slurred while looking at the sky, he had found a comfortable place to lie down on top of Monkey’s head.  
-“What the hell is wrong with him?”- The large feline asked Monkey with a deep growl, the last thing she needed right now was for those two to start causing more trouble than they were already in.  
-“It’s a long story, but to make it short I don’t think we can count with him to help us”- Her friend responded sheepish, thankfully he was saved by the arrival of Viper and Crane.

  
Tigress didn’t know what was worst, the fact that they tried to hide what had just happened between them or just how bad they were at doing it. The bird had ever single one of his feathers ruffled and many of Vipers scales were covered in tiny feathers as well. Damn it even Mantis could see through them and he could barely form a coherent thought.  
Unable to contain their laughter the simian and the insect begun to sing -“Viper and Crane, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S…”- Only to be interrupted by a pair of very angry and embarrassed bird and snake that chose to fight them in the vain hope of shutting them up.  
-“This is just perfect”- Tigress muttered sarcastically as her drunken friends were fighting each other.  
What were they going to do now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N the song portrayed in this chapter is an English translation from a Japanese vocaloid named Pomp and circumstance.

-That’s enough!- Tigress said frustrated at the four masters who were fighting each other over their silly antics, her deep predatory growl was enough to force them into silence. –“We have fifteen bandits ready to attack the palace and only four of us are able to fight them off. We need to come up with a plan and we have to do it fast!”-  
-“We should wait until they leave this place and attack them on the way to the palace, that way the other innocent citizens in the tavern won’t get caught in our fight”- Crane suggested  
-“Yeah but if they go outside it will be much harder to control, if we don’t herd them properly many of them might escape and if they reach the palace they will find it undefended”- Viper responded  
Tigress groaned, both had a valid point, fighting the bandits inside might hurt innocent people but taking them outside wouldn’t work either.   
Mantis was the one that came with the solution for their problem, even when at first what he said didn’t make much sense  
-“We gotta do the Haitun technique, that move was created exactly for a situation like this, you know, lots of enemies crowded over a small space. The best thing about it is that it causes minimal damage to the area. Now would somebody tell me why I smell like grapefruit?”- After saying that he collapsed on the floor, burped and fell instantly asleep.  
-“We can’t do that move without knowing the song and nobody has heard it in years”- Monkey said annoyed at the insect, he couldn’t believe he was in charge to babysit his friend; usually he was the irresponsible one of the group.  
-“I studied every single fighting move recorded on the Jade Palace and I never heard about it”- Tigress said annoyed.  
-“Neither did I”- Viper quipped  
Then monkey proceeded to explain:  
-“That’s because its creator wasn’t a proper kung fu master, according to legend she had been a promising warrior once but then was kicked out of her palace by her master because of her improper behavior. It’s a story you hear often in taverns like the ones I used to work in as a comedian, for some reason proper ladies aren’t allowed to know about it”-   
Then he begun to tell the tale of the forbidden warrior and the taboo song  
-“Many years ago a female dolphin warrior named Haitun ended up kidnapped and surrounded by a group of sharks deep into the sea inside a sunken pirate ship, according to legend she sang a song so beautiful and hypnotic that her captors were frozen in place, and she could easily defeat all of them since they were too numb to even fight back.”-  
-“Yeah but her master later deemed the song too dangerous so he labeled it as taboo and hid it were no other warrior might abuse of its power, Haitun was so outraged to have her signature move erased from history that she left her dojo for good”- Crane continued  
Tigress eyes widened as she heard the story –“Guys I think I know it! I know the song!”-  
-“You do? But how?”- Viper asked  
-“It was hidden on the forbidden knowledge part of the Palace’s library, I… found it by accident. It was just the melody and the lyrics that were saved not the story behind it so I didn’t know what to do of it back then”-  
-“You found the taboo song kept on the forbidden scrolls by accident?”- Viper asked raising and skeptical eyebrow.  
-“Yes it was an accident”- She said crossing her arms over her chest defensively. Tigress floundered over that sentence since she was terrible at lying, which she didn’t do often.  
In truth a few years ago she snuck into the forbidden scrolls looking for a weapon that would increase her combat skills, it was around the time Po had become a better warrior than her and she was desperate to gain an advantage over him, especially since he had grown a bit too smug about it. To her disappointment the scrolls only contained many brutal fight moves which would kill the enemy in a horrific way. None of those would be useful, because all she wanted was to defeat Po in the training hall and force some humility on him, not turn him into a bloody pulp.   
But among those awful texts she saw the allegedly taboo song, there was no description on it other than its lyrics and the promise that it would put any male on its knees, since she understood nothing of the adult metaphors hidden in the text, she thought it was some sort of spell that might increase her power.   
So she learned the song by heart and sang it several times, making sure nobody would know she was playing with dark magic. To her disappointment nothing happened so she dismissed the whole thing as a hoax.  
Tigress cringed at the realization of how shortsighted and selfish she had been on the past, and how far she had been willing to go in order to be the best kung fu warrior once more, it was further proof that she was never supposed to be the dragon warrior to begin with. Shaking herself out of her self-loathing she told the other masters.  
-“So according to this legend, the song is supposed to distract the bandits enough to defeat them without a fight?”-  
-“If you sing it right then yeah, I guess”- Crane answered –“Are you sure you can do it?”-  
-“I can try, to be honest I don’t even know what that song is supposed to be about”-  
-“Don’t worry about it Tigress, you have more than enough to distract those guys even without the song”- Monkey said wiggling his eyebrows  
-“What is that supposed to mean?”- She asked menacingly  
-“That if the song doesn’t work just shake your boobies and you’ll be fine”- Mantis said slurring in the floor without even bothering to open his eyes.  
She will make that insect pay for his disrespectful comment, as soon as he sobers up.   
Viper had to admit her male friends had a point, any female dressed like Tigress would need little effort to distract the males at the tavern and that would make their jobs much easier. Regardless of the power of the “taboo song”, if they were careful enough they could win in spite of being outnumbered. –“They’re kinda right Tigress, you could focus their attention on you while we attack them from behind, and at the very least the distraction will give us an advantage”-  
So they set their plan in motion, Tigress claimed the center of the floor at the tavern while the rest of the masters hid on its dark corners.  
Mantis chose his combat position on top of Monkey’s head, he asked his friend –“Why do you think they called this song taboo? What’s so special about it?”-  
Before the primate could answer she began to sing, or in this case moan, because long before the lyrics even start the song required her to moan and gasp like she were in a state of ecstasy.  
-“Huh, never mind I get it now”- The insect said a little embarrassed, and just as expected that called everyone’s attention right away, within seconds every male on the tavern hovered close to the exotic feline as she then started to sing.  
“Take a little bite of my eager neck   
Let the burning keep me in check  
Overflowing, I can’t deny the Lust I feel around you”  
\-----------  
Meanwhile in the Jade Palace the dragon warrior and his master rush to the gates, only to find the place empty  
-“Aw man… we’re too late!”- Po lamented  
-“Maybe not”- Master Shifu says pensive, -“There is no sign of struggle in here and I can’t see any item missing, perhaps the masters heard the same rumors as we did and went away to investigate”-  
-“Aren’t they supposed to leave at least one of them behind so they can defend the palace?”- Po asked  
-“They should have, we will ask them about it as soon as we see them. You go find the masters while I’ll stay here in case the bandits manage to get here before the masters do”-  
……………….  
Back in the tavern:  
The song is everything the legend promised and more, it gives the masters more than enough room to strike their enemies from behind and drag them outside without the others noticing.   
Monkey is lifting a large rhino using only his tail while his left fist punches a black bear on the face and his right leg kicks a clouded leopard right in the solar plexus.  
Crane doesn’t even bother to hit his target, he just ties him up and lifts him dropping him outside, there’s no need for violence since their enemies don’t even bother to punch back.  
Before Tigress sang the second chorus, one third of the gang were already down without even a fight. She wasn’t just a great singer but also knew how to coordinate the attack: at first she would sway closer to her target, and then she would use her newly found allure to lull him into a trance. Afterwards she would glide away from him leaving him paralyzed in the dark, far from the focus of everyone’s attention and ripe for the other masters to fight him off.  
The song grows naughtier with every passing word, but most of the sexual innuendos fly over her head, she isn’t truly aware of the storm of pheromones she has unleashed on this crowded tavern. Actually she isn’t able to have many coherent thoughts anymore, maybe it was the wine or perhaps the euphoria of no longer feeling weighted down by her previous duties and responsibilities, either way she had never felt this careless and free.  
“Pulling on the string and it comes off   
Showing bare fur, OH so shiny and soft!   
Honey, show me, every inch, without hesitation my darling!”  
She sings in a deep velvet sultry voice while Viper dances to the beat of the music. She draws shapes in the air with her red ribbon around one of the bandits and in a matter of minutes he’s tied up, completely inmobile, then she uses the tip of her tail like a whip and the force of her strike sends him flying through the air outside the building. The best fighter seems to be Monkey, he looks uncoordinated to the untrained eye, like a drunkard, but when his limbs strike their target they hit with amazing precision.  
-“Is it me or Monkey fights better when he’s drunk?”- Viper wonders amazed at the display  
-“Yeah it’s like he just invented a drunken monkey style or something, even Mantis is doing pretty well and he is super high”- Crane says as the insect lifts and tosses a bull and a lion at least forty times their size.  
By the time the bandits came out of their stupor they were already gagged and tied up.  
As they secure the eleven bandits they just captured in an improvised bamboo cage Viper and Crane see a large creature running towards them, he isn’t fast by any means as he often has to stop on his tracks to catch his breath, soon enough they hear his voice and it’s pretty easy to recognize.  
-“Hey guys (gasp) I was with master Shifu on the treaty when we heard a rumor that a dangerous group of bandits were heading towards the valley of peace. We came back as soon as we heard but I couldn’t find you, my dad saw you on the village and told me you might be here. (gasp) We have to stop those guys before they reach the Jade Palace!”- Po said still trying to catch his breath   
-“We know”- Crane said while gently pointing at the cage now filled with stunned captives  
-“Wow you guys are awesome!”- The panda said with his usual excitement over all things kung fu  
-“Yes Po, we have everything covered so there’s no need for you to worry! Just go back to the palace and we’ll be there as soon as we take these guys to prison”- Viper said eager to get rid of the panda, she was terrified their new master would find out the state in which her other friends were in. Sure maybe Po as their leader wouldn’t punish them for their antics but he was lousy at keeping secrets, and if master Shifu ever found out about all the rules they broke tonight… she shuddered at the thought.  
Just then Monkey threw a large bandit at them with a powerful kick from the window of the tavern. Knowing there was probably an awesome kung fu fight inside the panda rushed into the tavern to help his friends.  
But as soon as he crossed the door, the first thing his innocent eyes saw was Tigress in a pretty dress singing  
“Love will never mean I have to think you're right   
People hide away the secrets with their pride   
Never knowing if the rules that we live by   
Govern each and every day and every night”   
And then he was frozen in place, stuck into a deep trance, all he saw were the dangerous curves of her body and the silky fur that was exposed through the slits of the flimsy fabric. He had admired her graceful moves in battle thousands of times, long before he was even crowned the dragon warrior. But he had never seen her move like this, every swish of her tail, every move of her hips, every curve on her lean and muscular legs brings a wave of sensations and emotions on his skin that he never experienced before  
“She’s a girl” his slow brain is finally able to process a piece of information that is as basic as it is shattering “Tigress isn’t just a buddy, she’s a pretty girl”  
-“What’s up with Po? He’s just standing right there looking like an idiot”- Mantis asked Monkey as they were each fighting two dazed bandits off  
-“He was affected by the song I guess”-  
Now only four bandits remain and things will get tricky, the leopard is the leader and he’s too close for Tigress to push away into the dark corners. But that problem basically solved itself, he grew possessive and wasn’t happy with the way his colleagues were inching closer to the female he had chosen as his mate, so he fought them off and with a single punch of his strong arms he left his competition knocked out on the floor.   
Tigress couldn’t hide her excitement, finally as the song nears its end it’s just her and the dumb leopard she’s been itching to beat the crap out of for the last few hours. Just as she’s about to do some proper fighting, as she feels her friends were the ones to have all the fun, Po is woken from his trance. For some reason he hates the way that leopard gets close to his friend, he’s suddenly invaded by a wave of possessiveness’ he can’t comprehend, much less control. So he runs towards his foe and with a summersault kick he knocks him out.  
-“Good job Po”- She congratulates him crossing her arms over her chest and cocking her hip, she has done that many times but to him the way she behaves has changed completely, somehow he is dumbstruck at her every movement and the mere sight of her curves renders him unable to form a coherent thought.  
-“Hey snap out of it!”- Tigress said frustrated at the panda that is now staring at her like a drooling zombie.  
Viper snakes around between them -“I think he was affected by the song as well”- she tells Tigress with a mischievous glint in her eyes.  
-“Or your boobs”- Monkey says snickering while the feline throws a death glare at him, he would too feel the consequences of his words when they spar at the training hall tomorrow.  
But now she has to wake up the “mighty” dragon warrior from his stupid trance so she slaps him hard on his chubby cheeks, it works wonders as the Panda looks disoriented but actually pretty lucid.  
-“Woah guys what happened? One moment I was ready to do some butt-kicking-kung-fu- awesomeness and the next I was feeling a wave of heat all over! It was like a fever but hotter and I had a pressure below my stomach that tingles!”-  
Tigress shook her head at his usual overexcited clumsy speech while Mantis genuinely wondered if what Po was describing was either the effects of the trance or just a boner.  
Viper explained him about the magical song and how they used it to capture the bandits.  
-“So you can hypnotize anyone you want by singing? That’s awesome! Would you teach me how to do it?”-  
-“I don’t think it would fit you style Po”- The feline said condescending  
-“I actually saw him dance when we infiltrated the camp of the ladies of the shade, he wasn’t bad at it”- Crane answered snickering at the memory of Po dressed like a girl and shaking his booty all over the place.  
…………………  
The morning after:  
The gong that signals the beginning of their day has never sounded more awful, it’s a screeching from hell created to tear apart their eardrums. Viper, Crane, Monkey and Mantis crawl out of their beds and right into the kitchen, hoping that some food might heal their massive hangovers.  
-“I swear guys I’m never gonna drink again”- Monkey grumbles while pouring himself some tea  
-“Do we really have to train today? Can’t we all call in sick?”-Mantis whines while staring regretfully at the fruit bowl in the left counter, he won’t see a grapefruit the same way ever again.  
-“We have to, unless you want master Shifu to know what we were really doing last night. Thank god we sobered up by the time we came back from taking those bandits to prison”- Viper still had the feeling their older master hadn’t bought their story, but without any evidence or anything out of place other than Tigress’ new dress he couldn’t do anything about it.  
-“Have you seen Po? He’s usually cooking breakfast at this hour”- Crane asked looking at the empty stove  
-“He’s probably resting after his long trip”- Mantis answered  
-“What about Tigress? She was acting a little strange by the time we got back”- Viper was a little worried, she remembered the lazy way her tail swished side to side and almost had the impression the feline had trouble walking straight.  
-“That’s probably the huge batch of catnip we put in her cookies”- Mantis and Monkey shared a laugh  
-“Wait what? Huge batch?! I told you guys to put only a smidge!”- Viper said horrified  
Monkey scoffed –“Relax, she’s a huge cat she could handle a lot more than that. For what I can remember she was the most lucid of the entire group last night”-  
-“But guys don’t you know that any drug can be unpredictable when eaten? What if it has a retarded effect or instead of getting her high it made her sick?”- Crane wondered and then immediately rushed to her room; the other masters now realizing the seriousness of the situation were right behind him.  
Before reaching their destination they were interrupted by master Shifu  
-“Hello to all of you, how did you sleep last night?”- He says with a smooth sickly sweet tone, but he has that suspecting expression on his eyes, clearly knowing they were all up to something and expecting them to break under the pressure of his piercing gaze anytime soon.  
-“We’re great! We were just wondering were Tigress was”- Crane was fighting to keep the panic out of his expression and failing miserably.  
-“Oh I sent her with Po to Gongmen City a few hours ago, the priests of its temple asked for the fountain of eternal springs for the celebration of the new year. Since it is one of our heaviest relics I sent the largest masters to deliver it”- At the worried expression all his students had on their faces he asked –“Is everything all right?”-  
-“Yes everything’s fine”- Viper said with a smile so fake and wide it was almost creepy  
-“Very well then, I expect you to be in the training hall in two minutes”- Their older master said never removing the suspicion from his eyes.  
Once he was out of sight Crane panicked –“Guys what we are going to do now? Tigress is on a mission far away and she might be high as a kite for all we know!”-  
-“Don’t worry about it, she’s probably fine”- Mantis said shrugging  
-“There’s nothing we can do about it now”- Viper conceded  
-“Yeah, besides Po is with her, if anything happened he’ll keep her out of trouble”- Monkey wasted no time heading to the training hall.  
……………..  
Two days later in Gongmen city  
Tigress wakes up to the blinding light of high noon, she can’t understand why her head feels like it is about to explode, she can’t even remember where she is and how the hell got there.   
To her dismay she realizes she’s completely nude under the silk sheets, and her worst suspicions are confirmed when she sees a large lump snoring right beside her.  
She doesn’t understand what happened, the last thing she remembers is flirting with a handsome leopard that turned out to be a criminal, after drinking large amounts of alcohol. Right now all she knows is that she did something really wrong and completely improper for a warrior of her standing, and her only chance to avoid her shame is to crawl out of this sinful bed before her bedside partner wakes up and go as far from him as possible, hopefully she could pretend nothing ever happened.  
But luck wasn’t on her side. The shape beside her yawns and turns, his large arms lock her in a strong hug as he instinctively spoons with her, nuzzling her small ears, suddenly his face is visible.  
Oh no no no no, of the million males on this earth how could Po be the one she ended up with? Now more exasperated than ever she struggles to get out of the bed and possibly move to another country to escape her embarrassment, but then what he murmurs in her ears paralyzes her with horror.  
-“S’all right Ti, we can sleep till late. It’s our honeymoon after all.”-


	3. chapter 3

Did you know that a goose can fly over 1500 miles in a single day with favorable winds? The distance between Gongmen City and the Valley of peace is much shorter than that.

Cáiféng flies over the mountains and plains with grace in spite of her rush and excitement. Usually news travel through word of mouth and that can take several days or even years to travel the vast land of china, but with so many citizens having the ability to fly it doesn't take long for news or rumours to spread when they are as shocking as these.

THE Dragon Warrior, the one that defeated Thai-Lung, the one who saved China from both lord Shen and Kai the jade slayer married THE Master Tigress, the leader of the furious five who also played a huge part in defeating china’s foes. That is probably the wedding of the decade, perhaps even the century, but it gets even better.

You would expect a wedding between so important people to be not only fastuos but also following a strict protocol as tradition commands, she should know, after all her brother Zeng is a servant in the Jade Palace and his pompous tail won’t shut up about the importance of respect, honor and ceremonials that Master Shifu always demands from him.

Well she can’t wait to see the expression on Zeng’s face when she tells them that the honorable Kung-fu masters took their wedding vows on a crowded street in the middle of Gongmen’s market, just in time for the celebration of the new year. The party occurred without the attendance of their family or mentors and they had to improvise a wedding party and banquet so loud and chaotic that by the time she left many vendors were still cleaning up the wreckage from the most colossal impromptu party ever made.

How envious everyone will be when they hear that she, a common seamstress, attended their wedding while the high masters of Kung-fu were not even invited (actually nobody was formally invited. When the villagers heard that the panda that saved them a few years ago was getting married, they begun to celebrate the occasion along with the new year. Since they improvised a ceremony in a public place anyone who was passing by was more than welcome to join in)  
One thing led to another, by the middle of the night there were so many fireworks lighting up the sky that midnight shined brighter than noon, the city was tuned into chaos with every vendor and craftsman giving away their merchandise for free so they could proudly claim they had worked the catering for the wedding of the Dragon Warrior.

And the music, it was so scandalous! every single musician in a hundred mile radius rushed to the market and offered their services, and in the middle of the improvised orchestra the bride, Master Tigress! sang a decadent song full to the brim with double entendre while she poured jug after jug of wine to the rioting crowd, her soon to be husband was so shocked and pleased with the spectacle he couldn’t stop cheering while dancing like crazy below her stage. -”That’s my wife!”- he would holler exited at anyone within earshot, as if the entire city hadn’t found out already

At least half of the city danced, ate and drank so much that at some point authorities had to be called to prevent any riot or destruction of property, but a few hours later most of the soldiers were also joining the party.

A bride must wear red on her wedding day since the color is associated with good luck, Master Tigress’s purple gown wouldn’t work, since it might bring bad omens for the couple. But with almost no time to do a dress worthy of the occasion the exited gosling had to improvise and made her a long red tunic. Cáiféng was the one who made the bridal dress for the leader of the furious five, and she’ll make sure everybody in China knows that.

The valley of peace is visible through the distance, it’s highest mountain looms behind it with the Jade palace above, she is almost there.

………………………….

Tigress tried to open and close her eyes repeatedly, then she pinched herself, she even took a jug of water from the nightstand and threw it contents over her head. But nothing worked, she couldn’t wake up from this nightmare, looking over her shoulder she could still see Po sprawled on the bed leering at her still naked and now wet form with a look of satisfaction on his face.

-You do know there is a perfectly good bathing chamber on the next room right?”- he told her with the same dopey grin he had worn since they woke up

She was afraid to ask, she knew the answer would be terrible, but she had to know -”Po, what happened last night?”-

The panda scoffed -”What didn’t happen would be easier to say, you were so wild and crazy last night! Sheesh Tigress you don’t have a middle ground don’t you? you’re either this ultra serious hardcore warrior or you’re a tornado of crazy awesomeness and mischief that destroys towns with the sheer power of songs and parties!”-

-”What?”- She said looking over the window, the entire street was littered with trash and gunpowder from the myriad of fireworks that were lit up last night. “Did I cause that?” She wondered shocked out of her wits. This was all her fault, she had always been warned not to drink alcohol and to always keep both her emotions and her actions in control, otherwise she could make terrible mistakes. Like getting married to Po of all people. -”How did this happen? Where are we? Why are we married?!”- She had never asked so many questions in her life, even her curiosity had always been repressed, now all she could do was slump on the bed because her shaking legs wouldn’t hold her.

-”You don’t remember?”- Po sighed -”I told you not to drink so much last night, but once you get the party started there’s no stopping you!”- He chuckled while fist bumping her shoulder, sensing the tension on her rock hard muscles he hugged her from behind and nuzzled the nook between her shoulders and neck, Tigress didn’t know why her body relaxed into the hug instead of punching his fat belly away from her.

He explained they were supposed to transport a fountain for the celebration of the new year to Gongmen city, but when she asked him how this simple delivery turned in this debacle he just said:   
-”Well… you got kinda “frisky” yesterday after we delivered the fountain and you said that you wanted a …”- he cleared his throat -”” Panda ride” (your words not mine) so you could practise before you went back to the valley of peace and found yourself a husband”- His eyes did show a little hurt when recalling the memory. 

Wow that was both sleazy and inconsiderate for her part, she wanted to use her friend like a sex object and a stepping stone into someone else -”I’m sorry Po, I can’t believe I would try to use you like that”-

He simply shrugged -”Yeah, so I made it clear that my daddy didn’t raise a floozy and that I don’t give away free samples until you buy the whole cart, so you did!”-

-”And you just said yes? Po I was out of my mind last night but what was your excuse?”-

-”Actually I wanted to start the appropriate courtship first, but you wouldn't be stopped. You said that if we didn’t go all the way right now you’ll go find someone else, as I said, you’re always going into extremes it was either all in or all out. So I thought why not? I really like you, actually I’ve been flirting with you ever since we left home”-

-”So that’s why I ended throwing myself at you”- She told him annoyed. Po might seem like a doofus sometimes, but when that panda wants something he can be extremely persuasive, and if her mind was altered by the alcohol she would have much more difficulty to resist him. But what kind of booze can make you act this way for so many days? there had to be something else here at play. There was another question that barged into her brain -”Wait a minute, since when do you like me? Last time I checked I was just your buddy, when did you start to see me as girlfriend material?”-

-”I saw you that night in the tavern with that sexy purple dress and felt things I never felt before. You know I’ve had crushes before but it was never like this, it was like a hunger that had nothing to do with food and at first I didn’t know what to make of it. Then there was just the two of us traveling to this city and you were so carefree and relaxed the whole journey, you were so happy about leaving the palace, starting a new life and forming a family. I should have been happy for you, but instead I realized that I couldn’t just sit back and let you leave your home with some strange guy that wouldn’t deserve you. So I tried everything I could to win you over. And it worked!”-

-”I still can’t believe you convinced me of all this”-

-”It does make a lot of sense if you think about it”- he said with a sweet smile and mischievous eyes

She scoffed and laughed, it was more of a sign of hysteria than happiness -” How does any of this make sense?!”-

-”My dads always say that the most important thing about finding a mate isn’t the physical attraction, it’s about finding someone you can trust and that will have your back when things get difficult. Also It’s about loving someone even after you met their worst side and all their flaws, because that person will see your flaws too and love you in spite of it. I love you Tigress, even if you can be cranky, snobby and stiff. Because you can also be caring, protective and loyal, and if I ever get in trouble you’ll always have my back, just as I will always have yours”-

She couldn’t help smiling after hearing Po, snuggling deeper into the embrace -”You’re an insufferable klutz that causes more trouble than I can clean up, you’re dumb when it comes to basic knowledge but a brilliant strategist when it comes to manipulate others and save the day, you’re so full of yourself sometimes that I think your ego might be even bigger than your hide and at the same time so insecure that you waste too much time doubting yourself instead of just taking action. But you are also the sweetest kindest animal I ever knew. Yes I love you Po, I took a cannonball to the chest for you and I’ll do it again, but I’m still sure getting married was an awful idea”-

He chuckled and hugged her even tighter -”Bad ideas can lead to awesome things you know? We’ll figure it out you’ll see-” His stomach growled-”Why don’t we talk about this after a nice bath and some breakfast?”-

Tigress shrugged, at the very least it would help her hangover. When they rose from the bed the bamboo furniture collapsed and so did a wood plank from the ceiling. Not understanding how could a sturdy looking bed like that break so easily she asked Po if he had eaten part of the furniture again, since according to Mr. Ping he had the habit of doing just that. Blushing slightly he answered -”Not really, it’s just that were very active during our wedding night, the bed is not the only thing we broke”-  
Gulping Tigress took a good look at their room for the first time, there were deep scratch marks all over the walls and the floor, she noticed several stripes of fabric and chains hanging from the ceiling as well. She didn’t know what had happened in that room and truthfully, she would be better off by never knowing.

Po was right, a bath and some food was just what she needed to clear her head, sadly seeing clearly meant she could better observe the mess she was in. What would master Shifu think? What about Li Shan and mr Ping? The only thing she was certain is that her pride would never recover from the ridicule she inflicted on herself and others last night. To make matters worse Po is way too happy to tell everyone in the inn they were staying of the thousand embarrassing things she did last night, happily retelling what in his head is “The most super awesome wedding party evah!”

Oh dear gods, he commissioned a portrait of the moment they took their vows and both of them are depicted making silly faces while hugging the poor monk brave enough to oversee the union. She wonders if it’s physically possible to die of embarrassment.

She can’t wait to leave this city and never showing her face here ever again, maybe she can convince Po to never reveal what happened here and that they would make a terrible couple, maybe what happened in this city could stay here and not spread over to their homes.

They said their farewell to the friendly people of the inn they were staying and paid their fees, including of course the damage they caused to their room. But before they could head back home a large snake followed by three rhinos wearing the imperial army uniform entered into the small building and blocked their path.

The snake towered over the newlyweds and told them  
-”Dragon Warrior, Master Tigress, I am placing you under arrest for the theft of all the relics from the temple of Gongmen city”-


	4. Chapter 4

There is a scream echoing all over the walls of the Jade Palace, it makes all the relics of the hall of heroes reverberate to the point where even the legendary urn of whispering warriors trembles from its pedestal and falls, again. The sound foreshadows an upcoming catastrophe that will surely befall over many unsuspecting warriors.

-”THEY DID WHAT?!?!”- Master Shifu’s voice almost cracked by the sheer force of his screams.   
-”Please don’t kill the messenger”- Zeng said cowering behind a column -”I’m just telling you what my sister told me”-  
-”Your sister is wrong!”- The angry red panda towered over the helpless duck -”Even if Po were reckless and dumb enough to do such a thing, and he is, Tigress would never allow it!”-  
-”About that”- Zeng said bracing himself for the upcoming disaster -”My sister says that master Tigress did some questionable things as well”- The poor duck then had the arduous task to explain the harsh master was his daughter had been up to.   
Unbeknownst to them, master Mantis hid behind one of the columns, shocked at what he was hearing

…….

-”SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!”- Was all that could be heard from the main hall as three terrified masters hid in the training room. When they saw Zeng looking worried and asking for a private meeting with master Shifu they knew there was trouble. Usually they would respect the senior master’s privacy but ever since their night out they had been worried about getting caught, so they sent Mantis to sneak into the meeting to figure out what had happened, since he was so small it would be easier for him to eavesdrop on the conversation. 

A few minutes later the terrified insect rushed into the room -”Guys we’re screwed! Tigress lost her marbles and married Po in Gongmen city.”-

-”No way, that makes no sense”- Viper said laughing at the absurdity of that statement  
-”Neither is sending a drugged tiger on a mission. I told you so, all that catnip could have negative effects on her”- Crane chastised his fellow masters  
-”Look guys whatever happens we have to keep our mouths shut, if Shifu finds out what we did to Tigress we’re dead”- As he finished talking he realized that his friends had a panicked look on their faces, that could only mean one thing -”He’s right behind me isn’t he?”- Mantis said slouching in resignation, turning around he saw his master practically frothing at the mouth, his left eye twitching on a nervous tic, his voice unnaturally course and grave from all his previous screaming -”What did you do?”- he asked menacingly  
…………………………….

Meanwhile in Gongmen city:

-”I can’t believe the guards of the temple said we robbed their relics”- Po lamented in his cell while Tigress tried to open the lock of the gate with her long sharp claws  
-”We didn’t do it, right?”- She asked her husband, ugh she would never get used to that idea, hopefully she can claim insanity and have the marriage revoked before they came back home. She thought she would never steal from a sacred temple, but then again she never thought she’ll be able to do all the things she did last night.  
-”Of course not! why would be? We have enough relics on our palace already, the magical ones cause nothing but trouble and we don't even have enough room where to put them anymore.”-  
-”I don’t know, I can't remember anything I did last night.”- She said ashamed  
-”Ti we were kinda busy getting married and partying, we were surrounded by people most of the time, aren’t there like a hundred witnesses that could tell that to the royal guard?”-

Technically that was true, but the guard wouldn’t put two respected warriors in jail if there was no possible way for them to carry on the heist. She was afraid to ask, but it was important that she had all the pieces to the puzzle in order to prove their innocence -”Po how long did we stay in our rooms after the party?”-

-”Well we went to bed right after midnight and we didn’t come back until noon.”- He said with a bashful smile and a dreamy look on his eyes, it was the best night of his life. 

Tigress merely shuddered, grateful that she didn’t remember anything. -”That's a lot of time Po, we don’t have a solid alibi for those twelve hours.”-  
-”Then we have to find the ones who did it, but who would do such a thing?”-  
-”Isn’t it obvious?”- Tigress growled, looking at her cellmate she saw him shrug, rolling her eyes she explained -”It was the guards from the temple Po, they say we attacked them and robbed the place. We are telling the truth so that means they are the ones liying, but by the time the authorities find out they’ll be gone and so will the relics. Our only chance to clear our names is to find them and make them confess, but we won’t be able to do that behind bars”-  
-”Then we gotta escape! What are we waiting for?”- Po said exited as he rushed head first into the iron gate, it was a decent effort that shook the walls but the gate barely moved and the intricate mechanisms of the lock that Tigress had been carefully manipulating for the last two hours were shook right into their original place, wasting all her previous effort.

She didn’t know wether to punch that fat panda into oblivion for yet again ruining her plans or control her temper and move on to search for another solution. So she chose both, while Po was still dizzy from his last self inflicted concussion she stood behind him and gave him the most powerful kick she had right in his fat butt, which propelled him to the back of the cell at a great speed. Between his large size and his ability to bounce his belly collided with the opposite wall and then he ricocheted right towards the gate, the momentum was powerful enough to break the iron bars.

-”Hey we’re free!”- Po said happily as soon as he recovered from the blow, Tigress ordered him to get up and run away before the guards of the prison were alerted of their escape. They were close to the exit when the large snake that arrested them earlier arrived with four more guards behind him.

Both kung-fu masters refused to go back to that cell, they would have to fight their way out of there.  
Assuming an attack position Po told his wife -”Ti you take the ones from the left, I get the ones from the right”-   
Crouching slightly and extending her claws the fierce tigress threw a dangerous smile at her opponents -”I’m ready”-

The four rhino guards were a bit nervous about fighting warriors of their reputation, but the snake that commanded them didn’t seem worried at all, he didn’t even bother to fight back. Instead he took the bundle of keys that hanged from one of his subordinate’s belt and threw it right at the masters’ feet.

With a suave polite voice he told them -”That won’t be necessary, the only reason we came to the dungeons was to set you free. I am glad to say you have been cleared of all charges”-  
-”Oh so you found the real robbers?”- Po said pleased, now he could go back home and continue his honeymoon in peace.  
-”No I’m afraid not, but we verified your alibis. We found at the very least a dozen witnesses saying you spent the entire night in your room, including the owners of the inn, the physical evidence you left in your suite seems to match their description.”- While saying this the overly proper official fidgeted a bit uncomfortably.  
-”What do you mean by that?”- Tigress should have known not to ask such a question, and too late she realised the answer should have stayed unknown.  
Clearing his throat the dignified reptile answered -”Apparently you forgot to close the windows on your bedroom during you wedding night.”- the large snake said while avoiding eye contact with the couple.  
-”Oh yeah we got a little carried away”- Po said sheepish while blushing slightly

Tigress wondered if it was actually possible to die of embarrassment, she felt lightheaded and ill just by thinking that all the shameful things she did with Po were basically done in front of a rather pervy audience. “Please let me die and put me out of my misery” she silently asked to whatever deity might be on the sky

For the eleventh time since she woke up that day she wondered how hard it would be to change her name and move to another country, the Mongolian wastelands are not too far from here after all.

In the meantime all Po was thinking was how soon they could get something to eat and go back home, he celebrated by giving his wife a hug -”Wohoo did you hear that Ti? we’re on the clear! We can go back to the valley of peace now, I can’t wait to tell everyone about our wedding, my dads will be so happy!”-

Tigress couldn’t bear the thought of going back to the jade palace and having Po retelling the hundreds of embarrassing things she did in here, she refused to return until their mistake of a marriage was dissolved and her life could go back to normal. She had no idea on how to do any of that, but at the very least she thought of a way to earn some time -”No we can’t go back just yet, the guards that framed us are still on the loose and doing who knows what with potentially very powerful magical relics. We have to catch them before they cause more harm”-   
-”You’re right, we gotta show those guys what happens when you mess with the dragon warrior”- He said proudly and she couldn’t help to groan at his smugness

As they walked out of Gongmen city towards the south, which was the pathway the criminals had been last seen taking, she could see the happy look on Po’s eyes as he looked at the horizon.  
-”Isn’t this awesome? We’re gonna be together every single day and night of our lives, forever. We’re gonna fight all of the bad guys, and cuddle, and I’m gonna cook you breakfast and…”-  
While Po was going on an on about their future together Tigress shuddered at the thought. A few years ago she would have snapped at him and told him to shut up already, that they didn’t belong together and she would rather die than spending all her life with him.  
But she has matured, and she isn’t as cruel as everyone thinks. So she has to find a way to undo all this mess without breaking her friend's heart.  
……………….

Master Shifu stood at the top of the stairs of the jade palace, in the distance he could see his students leave at a frightening speed, their orders were simple: Bring Po and Tigress home in less than 24 hours or face a punishment so hard they would have wished to become jombies once more. 

He might be lenient on the masters if they accomplish their task, Tigress might even be spared since she wasn’t aware of her own actions and didn’t consent to be drugged. But Po would not be so lucky, he didn’t have a bunch of catnip on his sistem to justify for his recklessness, and impulsive or not he knows better than to marry his daughter without a proper courtship or even bothering to ask for his permission.  
Staring at the stairs in the distance he wondered how much the fat panda would bounce if he pushed him off them from varying heights, he decided the roof of the palace would be a nice place to start.

But until then he had a lot of work to do, he needed to call the necessary authorities to annul the marriage, this whole thing had to be nipped from the bud before the rumours spread even further.  
He had never felt so out of his depth before. This type of scandal was something he had never prepared to face, especially regarding Tigress, so he sat on the peach tree to meditate and search for answers.

He was so lost in his righteous anger he didn’t even notice the flower petals from the peach tree swirling around him, looking up he saw the spectre of master Oogway before him. Shifu wasn’t too surprised at the apparition, he knew that whenever he needed it the most, he could count on his former master for wisdom and support.  
Looking at the tortoise he implored -”Master, what have I done wrong? My students have brought shame upon this palace!”-  
Oogway didn’t look ashamed at all, his smile was as peaceful as ever -”Since when is love a shame?”-  
\- “Their behaviour is a shame, they eloped and married without even thinking! Tigress was drugged she couldn’t even understand the consequences of her actions and Po took advantage of her, it was a terrible idea everyone can see that”- He was so angry he snapped his own staff in half.  
-”I don’t see anything wrong with what they did”- The tortoise was as aloof and unreadable as ever  
-”Why? do you actually agree on this?”- It didn’t matter how many times Oogway had proved his superior wisdom, Shifu found himself doubting his sanity.  
-”I’m always in favour of love and happiness, a good marriage could bring both”-  
-”But they would be a horrible couple, they don’t even get along”-  
-”On the surface they fight, that is the nature of the tiger and the dragon, but deep down they work together to create the necessary balance for life to exist. They have even managed to create a new life already”-  
-”What? - Shifu had always felt a little frustrated at the elusive and complex way his master talked, his words would be of wisdom but often so difficult to understand. What could he mean with all this babble of new life? Unless…. oh no, no it couldn’t be. It would be against every basic law of nature, him being a panda and she being a tiger. But then again Po is notorious for breaking every law and expectation, you could say he specializes in doing the impossible.  
-”Is she pregnant already?”- He looked at his master in shock. The response of the turtle was to smile and nod. 

Shifu knew this day would come, he knew it from the day he was tasked to train that fat dumb clumsy panda, he knew one day Po would anger him so much that it would cause him a stroke


	5. Chapter 5

Crane flew over the mountains towards Gongmen city, Viper was wrapped around him, Mantis was above his head and Monkey dangled by his claws. The first time the group went to the city to fight lord Shen they went on foot, but that was because Crane wouldn’t be able to fly such a long distance with the larger weight of Tigress and Po. Now that the remaining masters were smaller he was able to carry them at a larger speed than last time, which was good since master Shifu threatened to punish them all if they didn’t bring those crazy honeymooners back home in less than a day.   
Carrying all the masters was taxing enough but to also hear them bicker was becoming more than the poor bird could take.

-”This is all your fault Mantis, if you hadn't dumped the whole batch of catnip on her cookies this wouldn’t have happened!”- Monkey said angrily at the insect  
-”Well she got what she wanted didn’t she? She has a husband now!”- Mantis retorted back from above Crane’s head  
-”But that husband is Po! Don’t you see how wrong is that?”- Viper said outraged. She felt so guilty about this whole thing, it was all her fault, she was he one who came up with the idea of giving her catnip.  
-”Not really”- Crane answered -”Isn’t like a rule for masters to marry a warrior of equal or superior skill?”-  
-”That is more of a suggestion than a rule”- Mantis chipped in  
-”But wasn’t one of the rules that the Dragon Warrior couldn’t marry at all?”- Viper asked   
\- “The reason he isn’t allowed to marry is that his wife would be in constant danger, but if he chose a female as strong and skilled as him he could be fine”- Monkey told her  
-”Yeah and how many females can claim to be an equal in skill as Po?”- Crane told him lifting an eyebrow.  
That’s when everything clicked in the masters head -”So that’s why Po married her! Tigress is the only one who could become his wife and survive”- Viper chuckled at the deviousness of the Panda  
-”I knew it, you know I think Po has been crushing on her for some time now”- Monkey told Mantis  
-”What made you think that? the way he obsesses over her action figure? Or how much he drools when he sees her train?”- The insect retorted  
-”He just loves kung fu, and she happens to be the best one at it, though only after him.”- Crane said trying to glide over the wind currents without dropping Monkey who couldn't just stay still  
-”Oh please remember when she left to the Garden Palace? He kept talking to her action figure like it was really her, we all thought he had lost his mind back then”- Mantis yelled loudly while balancing over Crane’s beak  
-”Oh yeah it was kinda cute how he cleaned up his room and tidied the hole Jade palace, just so he could look for Tigress and show her how responsible he had become”- Viper laughed at the memory.  
-”I remember when she came back with him, they were laughing and making fart noises with their armpits!”- Crane chuckled  
-”huh, thinking about it maybe there was something between them all this time, but we didn’t see it”-   
-”like you and Crane?”- Monkey couldn't waste the opportunity to make fun of the other new couple  
-”Shut up!”- The reptile screamed while the bird let go of the simian, causing him to plummet towards the ground, of course he later dove down and caught his friend mid air, but the prank was enough to get his point across.  
-”Okay buddy I’ll take that back”- Monkey said still scared after his short fall -”Now seriously guys, you saw how Shifu got when he heard about their wedding. Maybe you should learn from their mistakes and do things right, ask for your parent’s permission before tying the knot instead of eloping like Tigress and Po”-  
Crane couldn't help shuddering at the thought of facing Viper’s angry dad, he was the master of poison and he could kill him without even a fight.  
-”They’re right Viper, I’ll speak with your family before we get any further with our courting”-  
The pretty reptile didn’t dare to say a word, to her the night at the tavern was fun and it was true that she had been crushing on his feathery friend for a long time now, but somehow his decision to talk to each other’s family made their budding relationship a lot more serious than she was ready for.   
It could be worse though, at least she’s not married to the last person she expected to while her mentor awaits her return with a murder plan on his mind, if not for her then at least for her new husband. Before they left they saw master Shifu making calculations and commissioning a slingshot big enough for a fat panda to be launched into the stratosphere.  
…..

 

Seven days ago:

Kung Fu was Tigress’ life, it was the reason she woke up in the morning and the last thing she did before falling asleep, the alpha and omega of her entire existence.

For over twenty years it was the whole meaning behind her actions, and in return for her diligence Kung fu gave her honor, glory and above all… a family. Sure a perhaps chaotic unconventional family but a good one nonetheless, one filled with friendship and support and lately, a bit more physical affection than she’s used to.

But one day while seeing children training under Po’s guidance she realized something, he didn’t need her anymore. He had managed to gain enough maturity to lead others, and his creative thinking made her experience in technique useless. 

Viper had her dancing skills, Monkey his comedy, Crane his paintings, Mantis his medicine and Po had, well… everything really. Po had the best fighting and spiritual skills while also a loving family that kept getting bigger every day. He even had a new greater purpose in his life now that he had become a master, it was his new mission to ensure that the next generation would bring the martial art to the future.

But all that Tigress had was a good mastery of Kung fu and a legend of all her achievements, yet for all she sacrificed over her entire life she wasn’t even the best at it, being forced into a second place by the Dragon Warrior.

And that realization made her feel empty. At thirty three years old she’s still in her prime but age is beginning to show on her body, little by little she found herself using technique and dexterity to compensate for her waning vitality. Sure both Master Shifu and Oogway excelled in kung fu long after they reached their fifth decade, in Oogway’s case he kept fighting after he turned a thousand years old. But their fighting styles didn’t depend so much on brute force and power strikes like hers does, what made her so powerful in the first place will be what might force her into early retirement. To make things worse the path of the teacher her mentors chose after getting old belongs to Po, not her.

The truth is that she gave everything to Kung fu without realizing that one day she might lose it, and when that happens she would have nothing left. Tigress realized that once she dies what will be left of her will be a legend of her own battles but nothing else. There would be no sons or daughters to carry on her bloodline, no students passing her teachings to the fighters to come, nothing that is tangible other than a few words written in scrolls that would one day fade in time.

And it was all her fault.

She was the one to push everyone away, she used Kung fu as a wall between her true self and the people who tried to get close to her, she didn’t develop any interests in anything that couldn’t be solved by fighting and was so obsessed with her destiny that she forgot to cherish the here and now.

Everyone around her begun to move on with their life, while she was stuck in the rigid path she carved for herself. Even when surrounded by friends she felt utterly alone, and little by little the feelings of melancholy invaded her soul.

Of course she never told anyone about her issues, how could they ever help? How could they understand what she was going through? She was wise enough to recognize her problem but not brave enough to break the walls she built her entire life and actually fix it, days go by and she was so good at masking her emotions that no one around her noticed something was wrong.

Except maybe for her mentor, he must have found a way to connect with the universe and is able to notice things that other people cannot. 

-”I worry about you Tigress”- Master Shifu told her one day after she had finished training, the other masters had retired already for the night while she kept training until much later in the evening  
-”What do you mean?”- She answered with a mixture of fake innocence and a poker face  
-”Something is clearly bothering you, your strikes lack focus, and that was always your forte”-   
Shifu was never the one to see self doubt as anything but weakness, but this seemed like one of those rare occasions when he was ready to listen and maybe lend a sympathetic ear. Just as she was about to open up Po burst into the training hall and exclaimed -”Master Shifu! We got a letter from the simian tribes in the far west, they want me to oversee their peace treaty”-  
-”Those are great news Po, only the wisest and more revered warriors have that honor, I am very proud of you”-  
And with that Shifu forgot about her and rushed to the dragon warrior to prepare for the necessary ceremonies involved in such an important occasion. Leaving her alone in the training hall.

Allright that was it, she was tired of always measuring herself against a dumb fat panda and always coming up in the second place. Po had snatched the title of the dragon warrior from her grasp, he achieved feats of greatness she could only dream of, and worse of all he did it with a lot less effort than her. As if that wasn’t enough he also gained the camaraderie and respect from the father figure she had tried to impress all her life but never achieved it.

And in that moment she realized it might be about time to move on from Kung Fu, let Po have it, she will find her own path. She still has time to start a family by herself and enjoy all the things she had been missing because of the warrior life. Surprisingly the thing that hurt her the most about the superiority of the dragon warrior wasn’t that he was better than her, it was that she didn’t belong by his side anymore

That was seven days ago, before she chose to become reckless for one single night and set a chain of events so ludicrous she wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t experienced them herself. So much for moving out of the dragon’s shadow if she married him, promising to spend her whole life by his side.

And there he is, right beside her as they walk in search for the thieving guards, babbling about the children they will have and already thinking about what their names will be. He hasn’t decided if he’ll get to sleep on the right or left side of their bed yet, but then says they can figure out that later on.

Sigh, no this can’t keep going on. If only because she feels like he has taken too much from her already, she can’t let him take her as well

-”Po I’m sorry but this is all a big mistake, we don’t belong together and you should know that. I’m cancelling our marriage as soon as we catch the guards”- She says finally interrupting his ramblings

He looked at her with his big green eyes like a child whose dreams were crushed right in front of him. She’s not as heartless as she wants everyone to believe, she hated herself for hurting his feelings, but it’s better to cause the pain in one sharp swipe than to let this idiocy keep going forward and cause more damage in the long run.

-”It was my fault”- She said apologetically -”I made one rash and dumb decision after another and took advantage of you. I will take full responsibility for everything that’s happened and I deserve all the shame I brought on myself for this, but above all, for hurting you”-

He hadn’t yet uttered a single word even after several minutes, sighing she thought that maybe he needed some time alone to take it all in. So she continued walking south, towards the thieves that framed them in Gongmen city.

From behind her she heard his voice, he sounded grave and sad, almost like the adult he’s supposed to be instead of the overgrown child she has gotten used to be with.

-”You really don’t remember anything don’t you? I feel sorry for you Tigress, we had the most amazing night of our lives and you forgot about it, if you remembered you would know there’s no turning back from this one”-

Then she felt an orb of golden light form from within her, it was the force of chi, but it didn’t belong to her. Turning around she saw Po holding up his hand as the glowing gold shone from within him, the aura was neither his or hers, it belong to both of them. The energy flowed freely from one to another like a river that looped within itself

-”We melded our chis together last night, I am bonded to you and you’re bonded to me”- He proceeded to explain as he stretched out his hand towards her, the golden light invaded her mind and then she remembered.

She remembered the hidden need for affection that was finally sated, she also remembered the fun they had on their crazy wedding night and the euphoria of realizing that her soulmate had been right beside her all along.  
For the first time in her life she saw herself through his eyes, to him she wasn’t a second fiddle, she was the role model he followed for years and the gold standard for everything he ever hoped to be. For him she was the living representation of Kung Fu, a magical artform he had fallen in love with since he was a teenager, when he saw her defeat her first enemy with the help of the other four masters.

The world was such a wonderful place from his perspective, filled with awesome acts of greatness and an optimism not even the darkest soul could ever destroy. 

She laughed, not in the dry sarcastic way she often used, it was a musical giggle that might as well have come from Viper. The Dragon warrior had once again done the impossible, he made the hardcore ultra serious tigress giggle like a blushing schoolgirl.


	6. Chapter 6

Author’s note: The qixi festival is the chinese equivalent of valentine’s day, the mythology behind it is quite poetic and I might write a one shot about it someday

……………...

After all the stress of such a complicated day Shifu’s torment still wasn’t over. Just as he had finished making the specifications for a very large slingshot he was interrupted from his quiet time by none other than Mr ping and Li Shan. Without bothering to ask for a hearing, they simply strolled inside the palace and demanded an explanation over the insane rumors about Po and Tigress’ unorthodox wedding. 

Master Shifu couldn’t believe his ears -”How could you find out about the wedding already? I told Zeng to keep his beak shut!”-

-”He always comes to my shop to vent whenever he has a bad day”- Mr Ping said smugly

-”And if our son is gonna get married we should be the first to know, it’s our right.”- Li shan said angry -”instead we had to find out through gossip!”-

They did have a point, as Po’s fathers they had the right to be notified as soon as he found out, instead of trying to keep the secret in order to avoid the shame.  
-”You’re right, but you might also understand why it’s so important that nobody else knows about this. I trust you won’t say anything until we can find the best course of action to fix this whole mess.”-

When he saw the goose and the panda look away with a sheepish expression, dread crawled inside the old master. -”You haven’t told anybody yet, haven’t you?”-

-”Well I haven’t, but goose dad over here kept screaming loudly about the “good news” to everyone in his shop”- Li Shan said pointing accusingly at his co parent, placing his other paw at the side of his face as if he was telling a secret.

Shifu groaned and broke his new woden staff yet again, at this rate in a few days there wouldn’t be enough ironwood in the forest to build yet another one. No longer caring about keeping composure, he growled in frustration. But after a few calming breaths and many meditation techniques he managed to regain some semblance of civility. There was nothing he could do anymore, besides it’s not like the marriage could be annulled if Oogway was right.

-”Look I’m as shocked about this as you are, but we need to find a way to salvage a little bit of decorum so the honor of the doyo isn’t tarnished so badly”-

-”Oh nonsense, we need to make the most out of it!”- Mr Ping said in a cheerful mood, then he splayed several scrolls on the floor that he had carried with him, they were diagrams for the construction of a small store. Centuries from now, company salesmen would speak in the same tone with Powerpoint presentations behind them - “Now about Tigress’ dowry, I think it would be enough for the rights to make a franchise in the Jade palace. On the top of the stairs right at the entrance of the palace we’ll have our second store, it will call the attention and therefore it will be our biggest advertiser, but since the bottom would be more accessible for those who can’t climb the thousand steps we should put a food cart there. Of course my noodle shop would have the exclusivity for the catering in any mayor event, like the winter festival by example. I also think we should advertise Po and Tigress like a power couple, we could sell cherry blossom cakes with their names for the Qixi festival!- After laying his business plan he showed them a painted billboard with the newlyweds posing in a threatening manner surrounded with pink hearts

The thought of seeing the honorable Jade palace invaded by a tacky food franchise was more than Shifu could bear, there wouldn’t be much need of a dowry if Tigress became a widow shortly after her return.

-”Well as Po’s other dad I don’t approve any of this. Isn’t there a way we can make them like, not married anymore?- He didn’t hide his anger when saying this. He had tried in vain to pair his son to any of the young, pretty and single panda girls in the village to no avail. Yet even when the ladies were more than interested in flirting with such a strong healthy male, he often avoided them in order to practice kung fu with his friends. Now he knows why.

-”I wish it was that simple”- Shifu grumbled 

-”Why would you do that? Aren’t you glad he finally fell in love?”- The goose scolded his fellow dad -”You don’t object for Tigress to be your daughter in law, don’t you?”-

-”Yes I do, I don’t approve the he marries her”- He said pouting like a surly child.

-”And why is that?”- Shifu said not hiding the threatening tone in his voice, he wasn’t happy about the wedding either but didn’t take kindly that someone dissed his daughter

Li shan wasn’t the brightest of the trio but even he could see what Shifu was thinking, so lifting his paws in the air defensively he said -”I didn’t mean it like that. Tigress is a great person and if she were a panda I would be happy for them, but she is not, and that means they can’t have cubs. In case you haven’t noticed there aren’t many of us anymore, we need more babies if we want to save our species”-

The older master laughed -”I wouldn’t worry about that, your son found the way to get her pregnant”-

-”WHAT?!!”- Both fathers said in unison

-”Oh yes I don’t know how they did it and frankly, I would never like to know, but she is pregnant already. If I hadn’t learned it from higher sources I wouldn’t believe it myself”- The old master said slouching, he wished he hadn’t broken his staff just a few minutes ago for he now needed the extra support.

After that huge piece of news, a moment of tense silence took the room. It was literally the calm before the storm, for once the silence passed there was a lot of screaming. The panda and the goose happily shouted in unison -”We’re gonna be grandpas!”-  
and then a particular small chaos erupted as the parents began to giggle exited and talking about preparations.

-”What are you doing?”- Said Shifu exasperated as both fathers rushed out of the palace, quickly going down the thousand steps.

-”I’m going to make something to eat for the time they come back, Po is always hungry after returning from his missions and if Tigress is expecting his cubs she’s gonna be hungry as well”- Mr Ping said exited, he was so happy for the news he had even forgotten about his business plan.

-”Good thinking dad, she needs to be healthy.”- Li Shan told his co parent with a mixture of glee and anxiety, then he turned back and told Shifu -”I’m gonna get some bamboo for building a crib and once I come back I’m baby proofing the whole palace, that thing is filled with sharp objects it wouldn’t be safe for a cub!”-

Heading inside the red panda had a disturbing view of the future. He saw the hall of heroes and all their armor either dismantled or wrapped in cotton so no youngling could get hurt, Po’s annoying fathers settled inside the palace to spend time with their grandchild and most terrifying of all, a tiny infant version of Po breaking havoc and destroying any notion of peace and quiet.   
Maybe there was a silver lining to all of this, if it wasn’t for the other master’s shenanigans none of this would have happened, so a very appropriate punishment would be to assign them as the official nannies of that little bundle of doom.  
As for Po, well his future was uncertain but it probably included a few brutal training sessions at best and a large trip to the outer space via slingshot at worst

……………………………...

The next morning Tigress woke up from her short nap. Last night they had been walking for a very long time, until the night grew colder and Po begun to groan and complain from the exhaustion so she decided to let him rest for a few hours below a tree while she made a modest bunfire. 

Her plan was to let him sleep for a while while she stayed on guard, it would give her some quiet time to ponder on her (questionable) life choices and figure a course of action for when she came back home. Annulling the marriage was out of the window since they had shared way more than their vows on their honeymoon and now their lives were literally intertwined. Truth be told and as much as she hated to admit it, she didn’t feel that much aversion by the idea of being with Po anymore but that didn’t mean she was ready to be his wife just yet. It was still scary to commit with someone else for life, when she chose to form a family she thought she would meet the one and therefore things would be easy, as if love worked like in fairytales and just meeting your other half was enough to guarantee a happy ending. No one could blame her for such naive thoughts, is not like her upbringing and pathway in life could ever teach her properly about romance.

 

She figured that there could be a middle ground, they could stay married but not tell anyone about it, at least not until Master Shifu could get used to the idea so he doesn’t kill them both. Tigress wasn’t known for feeling fear but the thought of her master finding out what she did was terrifying.

Maybe they could arrange for a proper courtship and even have a second wedding, one without debauchery, booze or, heavens forbid her, a public display of their mating in front of pervs. Satisfied with her new plan she begun to feel tired as well, the forest was deserted and they had chosen a very secluded spot, there wouldn’t be much harm if she rested her sore eyes a little bit.

Now she regrets her decision, not because she fell asleep but because neither her nor Po had stayed asleep for long, it’s just that the night was so cold and his fur was so warm. All she wanted was to sleep next to him so his larger frame could block the wind and well, she got curious and he’s gregarious. Turns out that black and white satyr has much more stamina for love than for combat training and of the five hours they stayed on that tree they only slept for two.

And she can’t even blame the alcohol for this one.

She had the feeling that once she let loose of all her repressed emotions, even while drunk, she could never put them back in their cage, making her take one irresponsible choice after the other. Part of her wants to turn back the clock and go back to the time things made sense, when she was a hardcore master and that was enough for her, and Po was just her silly friend that got in trouble and on her nerves. But life changes and she wasn’t satisfied with who she was anymore, even if that dumb panda hadn’t hijacked her entire existence in one crazy night.

-”Morning kitten”- he said groggily from below her with a dopey smile

-”You know I hate to be called like that”- She growled while punching him hard on the arm

-”Hey you gave me permission to do it! You said I could call you kitten if you could call me bouncy ball. It’s in our prenup see?”- Awkwardly fumbling through his discarded pants he found a piece of paper in one of its hidden pockets, then gave it to his wife. 

-”I can’t believe this!”- She said outraged while reading the document -”You specified that I have to play with you and your dolls at least twice a week?! And what is this about a private show every sunday?”- 

-”Well I really like the way you sing and how you look when wearing pretty dresses, so I thought it would be nice to have you sing just for me.”- She said with a shy expression, slouching just a little.  
Glaring daggers at him she was about to tear that ridiculous paper through shreds until he told her -”Look you put things in there too, just turn it around that’s your part”-

Reading the other side of the document she found some very interesting things, he had agreed to shut up for at least two hours a day at any time of her choosing, also he committed himself to clean up his mess after training under penalty of losing his marital rights for an entire week. Huh, maybe the private embarrassment of following his rules could be a small price to pay considering the benefits

Not really wanting to ponder on this for now she ordered him to get up so they could go after the thieving guards, they had lost too much time already, the prenup would stay in one piece for now but hidden in her pockets.

It was lucky that they found their targets on a small village, the thieves had chosen to stay there for a while before going further south towards the capital in Bianjing. Once there, they were planning to sell the relics in the big city and afterwards they could easily hide themselves on such a large crowd.   
And it was in the nick of time, for the kung fu masters caught them just as they were leaving the town, they were right at the entrance carrying huge heavy bags that almost screamed “We carry stolen goods”. At the mere sight of the masters the criminals dropped the bags and ran away, running on all fours Tigress was fast enough to place herself right in front of them blocking their exit, they tried to go back but by then Po was already behind them and ready for a fight. Since scaping wasn’t possible, the corrupted guards took a fighting stance, two against two were decent odds.

Tigress was the first to attack. She threw several short yet powerful slaps at her opponent, then as the guard tried to kick her she easily blocked the attack pushing his leg outwards with force and now seizing an opening she placed her other feet towards him to get the proper balance, then with her free paw slapped him hard on the throat. After that blow her opponent was coughing and wheezing on the floor, unable to move.

Po giggled while his enemy's punches bounced off him, his body fat protected him from trauma but his skin was ticklish and sensitive. He settled with diverting his enemy’s blows and landing a few of his own, until his opponent threw a high kick, once his leg was raised Po took the opportunity to practice a move monkey had taught him and caught the rising foot in the air with his large paw. With a powerful hold of his enemy the panda threw a strong kick aimed at the knee of the other leg, the one that was firmly placed on the ground, sadly he was too clumsy and miscalculated the dirección of the blow so he ended kicking the poor guy’s family jewels instead. The guard fell to the ground with a sharp scream of pain, it was so loud and high in pitch even Tigress came to see what the fuss was all about.

She saw the guard crying his eyes out while curling into a ball -”Po you know a low blow like that is forbidden!”-

-”Yeah that is too cruel dude”- Said the other guard still wheezing from Tigress’ last blow

-”Sorry! I didn’t mean to do that I was aiming for your knee!”- Po said embarrassed as he helped his fallen opponent up.   
Now defeated the guards didn’t resist as they masters tied them up, they didn’t want another beat up especially if they were willing to hit below the belt.

 

The newlyweds then begun their journey towards the north heading towards Gongmen city, where they would deliver the thieves to the authorities. Halfway towards their destination they were greeted by the other masters.

-”Guys we looked all over for you!”- Crane said panting from carrying the masters all the way towards Gongmen, only to find out at their destination that Po and Tigress had already left by the time they got there, so the poor avian had to carry his fellow masters several more miles than originally planned.

-”What is it guys?”- Po said worried, if the masters were searching for him instead of guarding the valley of peace then something was wrong -”Is the palace under attack or something? Is it the valley in danger?”-

-”You’re the one in danger Po! Shifu knows about your wedding”- Mantis hollered

-”That’s impossible! we just married the other night how could he had known so soon?”- Tigress said quickly entering a state of panic, the fur on the back of her neck stood on end and she quickly discarded all her previous plans, deciding instead to find a suitable location to run away and hide for the rest of her life.

-”You got wasted and made a crazy spectacle of yourselves, the whole town got wrecked, of course everyone would find out”- Crane said annoyed. He was tired, cranky and a little too worried about his own issues to care about the drama of those two lovebirds. He was worried that their shenanigans might cause so much damage to the palace’s reputation that Viper’s father might form a bad opinion on him, making it very hard for the avian to court his girlfriend.

-”Shifu will kill me!”- Tigress voice had raised so much in pitch it didn’t even sound like her own, her small ears flattened behind her head and even her whiskers dropped a little. Her husband found the sight of the scared tiger unusual but he couldn’t help thinking she looked cute, so he scooted closer to her and tried to give his wife a big hug for comfort.

-”Eh not you really, Po is the one Shifu marked for death, sorry buddy”- Monkey said almost apologetically.

-”Why? What did I do?”- 

-”Aside from eloping with Tigress?”- Crane raised an eyebrow sarcastically

-”We fell in love and then we got married, there’s nothing wrong with that”- Po defended himself

-”Dude there is a mating manual called the Panda Sutra, written by the guys that saw the show you put on your wedding night and everyone in Gongmen has a copy of it by now”- Mantis of course had to give such an embarrassing statement loudly enough to be heard all over China

-”And you destroyed the market with your party, it got so out of hand that hasn’t even been cleaned up yet”- Viper told them softly

-”Oh yeah, I forgot about that”- Po said slouching a little with a sheepish grin

-”That’s it, I’m not going back!”- Tigress said panicking, the embarrassment was too much to bear she couldn’t handle it.

Preparing herself for a very difficult conversation Viper slithered close the her friend -”It’s not your fault, you weren’t responsible for all the things you did that night”-

-”What do you mean?”- She said turning from panicked to suspicious and then angry when noticing the guilt in the reptile’s eyes -”What did you do?”-

Looking at Monkey and Mantis, who were aware of the hellstorm that awaited them, the brave snake begun to confess on their meddling with the catnip cookies. Not knowing if any of them would be in one piece after she finished her tale.


End file.
